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In a surprise move, President Donald J. Trump has fired a large portion of his gastro intestinal tract for failing to perform according to his demands. ” It’s grandstanding, making all kinds of disruptive noises. I made it clear that all I wanted was for it to digest my food. No acid, no gas. It was disloyal.” Associates of the President indicated that he intended to go on eating but it remains unclear what the effect of the abbreviated guts would be. According to expert sources, one possibility is that feces would accumulate within the President until he was completely full of shit while others have posited that the result would be an oversized orange windbag akin to a giant whoopie cushion. Administration officials attempted to allay any fears of an explosion. They pointed out the President’s facility in spewing the same verbally. “It’s generally those who offer assistance to the President who end up covered in it.”  Supplementary Secret Service agents have been assigned to make sure none of the Presidents digits are pulled.

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