NEWS – The Russian Analyst’s Report

“General, as you ordered, I have analyzed emails we copied from Clinton for President office computers” “Excellent lieutenant. Our sleeper agent in the Trump campaign is most eager for information. What did you find?” “Sir, I must report that even with most thorough review, much remains obscure. For instance pantsuit.” “Yes?” “The subject of many of the emails is pantsuit. ‘Do you like my pantsuit?’ ‘That was a lovely pantsuit you wore today.”Where did you ever find that pantsuit?’ ‘The pantsuit makes your bottom look big.'” “Pantsuit? Why would they talk about pantsuit?” “It is believed that a pantsuit which makes your bottom look big is damaging to reputation. Americans outside of New Jersey will not vote for person with big bottom.” “Ah, I see. We shall start a rumor that Clinton’s bottom is expanding. Tell agent Hannity to begin such a program. What else?” 

“Many emails concern Clinton’s pet dog.” “Pet dog?” “Yes sir, pet dog. Is big dog and is bad behaving dog.” “Bad behaving?” “Yes sir, many emails talk about not being able to keep leash on big dog, what trouble will big dog cause.” “Our files do not indicate dog.” “Many dog emails sir.” “Alright. Perhaps we kidnap dog, tempt it with some beef and snatch it.” “Sir, this dog does not eat meat.” “No meat?” “No sir but records indicate that when it is not under control it eats pie.” “Pie?” “Yes sir, pie. Big dog seeks out pie and, if not being watched, will eat the pie of strangers.”

 “Dog and pantsuit? Is this all? Dog and pantsuit? President Putin will not be happy with this. He insists ‘You must help Trump. He must be president. Only this way will my lover, agent Melania, become queen of America.’ So you see, I cannot go back with nothing but dog and pantsuit. Is there nothing of strategy? Nothing of plans?” “Sir, their strategy is to say nothing to press and let the Trump keep talking.” “Keep talking?” “Yes sir, keep talking. They want to make sure voters hear Trump talk about sacrifices and accomplishments” “Roskolnikov! That is dastardly strategy. I know! We will start rumor Clinton has Jewish daughter. Americans will not trust candidate with  Jewish daughter.” “General, I regret to tell you…”

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